This is the first week I haven’t cried. Milestone.
The past two months, I felt as though I could cry at the drop of a pin.
Tears would come at any given moment— the simple yet profound connection with a homeless man during work, the leaves changing on the trees, the way the house feels on a cozy, quiet night, what I read in my latest book, the feeling that came up during yoga.
I couldn’t get through a therapy session without crying. Not now. Not this week.
I move through the days with grace, confidence, gentleness, compassion, curiosity.
What does that tell me emotionally? Am I becoming, yet again, another layer of the onion peel growing on my outer shell? Is this me noticing growth in the exact moment it’s happening?
Last week, my sister said: “I’m going to pray you regain the confidence you had when you left him.”
That sat with me. I want that too—for myself.
Today, when I went into Bali Spa, I updated Caroline on life—the last time I saw her was in March. So much has changed since then, so I filled her in.
Her reply was simple yet profound: “Well, as we know, we always leave them better than we found them. And I have no doubt you left him better than you found him.”
This. This sticks. She’s speaking to me.
Ten years ago, I first learned this motto while working at Nordstrom, and quickly adopted it.
Whether at work—tidying up, wiping down the counter in the bathroom with my paper towel— hiking on a trail, becoming an ambassador for Keep Nature Wild, or simply living and interacting with humans at any given moment, I began striving to leave it better than I found it.
The fact that Caroline applied this to my relationship was a huge “aha” moment.
I hadn’t thought of it like that before, or intentionally applied it in that way— but it makes perfect sense.
It’s what I do.
I have no doubt that my past is walking through life, carrying some great accomplishment from knowing me.
I can truly say I left J better than I found him.
I love him. I wish him the best on his healing journey so he can fully grow into the man I saw him to be.
I hope that from our relationship, I taught him, showed him, and embodied how to be honest, true, authentic, faithful, patient, open, curious, fearless, and able.
