When I think about you on this drive,
I think about what’s possibly going through your mind.
Are you thinking of us?
When I think about myself on this drive,
I think about how proud I am
for standing up for myself and my worth.
Am I—
We’re both repeating patterns here.
I continue to attract men who aren’t emotionally available,
and you attract women who recognize your fears
while highlighting your potential.
Someone recently told me,
“If you want to deal with your trauma, get into an intimate relationship.”
And boy, is that true.
It was true for us.
If not each other, then the next.
Why couldn’t we make it through this together?
It’s only when we decide
to commit and work through our patterns
that the cycle ends.
From this relationship,
I am grateful to have learned this about myself,
to name the pattern.
I now see a therapist who focuses on attachment work,
resolution and recovery from PTSD, complex PTSD,
and intergenerational trauma patterns,
targeting the many ways hurts and betrayals
leave their mark on our hearts and nervous systems,
interrupting connection to self and others.
I am ready to break the cycle.
Are you?
As I listen to The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins,
I think about the alignment of where we’re both at,
mentally and spiritually,
and how we are so different in that realm of space.
We grew up so differently
and I was truly curious about meeting different when moving to Oregon—
curious to meet people who didn’t grow up the way I did,
different traditions, perspectives,
challenges, and stories.
You and I found that in each other.
We became vulnerable,
shared openly and honestly,
held respect for one another’s choices.
I value that in you, in us.
When I think about our mental health and differences,
and how much that has to do with the way we were raised,
so much floods through my mind on this drive:
my parents’ divorce,
my family separating,
your adoption story,
your separation from family.
The difference of how
I was afforded therapy as a youth
and grew into it as an adult
while you were placed in a new home
with essentially strangers,
never offered therapy,
and still avoiding it as an adult.
That difference creates a distance,
a mental difference between us—
of where we’ve both been
and where we’re both growing and going.
There’s something to be said
about seeing a professional
for our emotional health.
After all,
we go to the dentist for a toothache,
to massage or acupuncture,
to soak and sauna when our body aches,
to a podiatrist when our feet hurt,
and yet we don’t go to a therapist
when our mind aches?
Why the fear?
I don’t understand it.
Our mind is the muscle of our thoughts.
On average, a human has
twelve to sixty thousand thoughts per day.
That’s wild.
I think of this:
if our thoughts are the workout
and our mind is the muscle,
then therapy is the stretching.
I pray you start therapy
for yourself,
for your health,
for your growth.
Amen.
