The day I have been looking forward to and dreaming about, while also dreading and feeling sad about. What would have been two years with the man I truly believed was my partner in life, we are no more. I look back and read past entries, and realize the fifth post was written a day after I met you—hence why the last sentence states: “timing is everything, and baby I’ve got time for you.”— it’s always been you and I knew it from the day we met.
Now, two years later..
Time for healing. Time for accepting. Time for letting go.
I go about my morning as if nothing’s changed, or as if you were still here with us—I move the body, make our signature breakfast, juice, pack up the car, and load up the animals. Something’s missing. It’s you.
We’re on our way to Bandon, a place I’ve dreamt of visiting since first learning about it shortly after I moved to Oregon. I booked us an epic treehouse in the woods, seven miles outside of Langlois, just off of Langlois Mountain Rd. It feels right— “I am her, Mountain Woman”. I write this as I sit and look out to the trees— Clydie is hunting, and Ezra is basking in the sun. It’s peaceful here, you would have loved it, especially the disconnecting part.. as we so often found important for ourselves and our relationship.
On the drive, I listen to a suggested audiobook “The Let Them Theory”— more on this in a separate post.
We stop along the way, driving down the scenic PCH, and I’m feeling a sense of pride. I am here again.. just me and the animals, still doing what we crave, exploring Mother Universe, and following our North node.
In true Jinxy form— he pukes one mile before our turn off, and then, takes a nice, stinky doody in the litter box. All I could think of was you calling him Stinkster, us laughing, and simply wish you were with. It’s like your soul was in the driver seat and I was in the passenger.. just like before.
The last 1 year and 11 months were a whirlwind of emotions— and I was in it for it all.. always two feet in. I wouldn’t have changed anything.. it was & is our story. I trusted you. You were the first man I felt safe with. That meant everything to me. It was the best feeling. It was all I ever wanted, and had. But then, you threw it all away— stopped being consistent, showing up for us, showing interest, and lacked passion + curiosity for me and our relationship, and quite possibly even for yourself. You threw in the towel. You gave up. You chose the easy path.. quitting. Relationships with ourself and loved ones take time, a lot of work, and you weren’t willing to put in the work for either. That’s sad. But what I’m learning is this, “Let Them. Let them be who they are, releasing the control to want to change things, and Let Me. Let Me focus on the things that I can control— my attitude, behavior, my values, needs, desires, and what I want to do in response to what just happened.”
You’re supposed to be here. But maybe actually you weren’t. I dreamt of coming here all this time, and I wanted to share that with you on our day. Never did I think I’d be visiting Bandon in this fashion, during a breakup + on our anniversary, but this is my timeline. My time for healing. My time for clarity. My time for reprieve.
There have been so many thoughts in this big, beautiful brain of mine over the last month. Thoughts specifically about timeline shifting. You created this timeline for us by setting your intention to focus on and fantasize about other women instead of focusing on yourself and our relationship. Now I’m learning, we were never going to work because you put the energy out there last October; you chose that timeline for yourself, and for us. No matter how hard I tried, we weren’t going to work because you chose a different timeline 11 months ago.. it just took me this long to recognize it, and accept it.
To better explain, the definition of Timeline Shifting is this: “timeline shifting is a concept, often spiritual, of "jumping" into a different, parallel version of reality or one's own life, characterized by a profound internal transformation in consciousness, perception, and emotions, which then manifests externally through changed external circumstances. This shift is not about physically time traveling but about a change in awareness and frequency that aligns one with a different timeline, leading to new possibilities and experiences.”
A dear friend shared this with me, “In Islam, we learn that an intention alone sets the course for your brain and heart, and that’s why it’s so important to practice mindfulness and gratitude because things go bad when you don’t.”
I believe you created that for us. It was never in my control, no matter how much work I put into the relationship, it wasn’t mine to own.
As I move forward in life and what I desire in my next relationship, I think about continuity— “the unbroken and consistent existence of something over a period of time”. I think about my frequency and being with someone who mirrors that. Neither of these did we have. Our love waned over time according to you, and you were vibrating at a lower frequency than me according to me. I still have love for you. I give you grace. I accept you. I always did, and I always will. I was on your team. We were in the boat together. I never jettisoned or jumped. I’m not mad. I don’t have anger or resentment toward you. I have peace in my heart for you. I continue to move in grace, setting my intention for what my future looks like, including my next relationship. With all of the wonderful qualities I manifested and received with you, I get even more specific in what I send out to Mother Universe. The Law of Polarity works like this, “we often get what we don’t want as a reminder to get even clearer on what we DO want.” This I’m learning. Before you, I hadn’t been in a relationship where I felt safe, or with someone who struggles with so much trauma, anxiety, avoidance, fear, ambiguity, and lack of emotional support, but I was there, willing to show up and support. We were able to connect, share, listen, support, grow, communicate, and love one another for where we were each at individually. That eventually faded as time continued on. On the other side, I also hadn’t been with someone who wrote me as much as you did, who mirrored my vulnerability, who learned how to communicate openly and honestly so quickly, someone who would wash my back and my hair when I was tired, someone who showed patience for me as I learned new skills, while also challenging me and pushing me to try harder, go further, and dig deeper—shout out to us becoming Hoodoo Heads and you ever so gently adjusting my hips in side plank ;)
You did all of that once upon a time. You were gentle, kind, patient, hardworking, generous, allowed me to express my feelings and emotions openly and met me there to listen and feel. There was no infidelity. We had trust. We were rooted in that from day one. We never fought, we had healthy arguments. You were always down to explore with us and go on big adventures with Ezra. You accepted and loved the animals as if they were yours, and in all greatness, they were & are. Yes, they were mine to begin with, but they are our kiddos. Ezra knew you as dad, and Clydie knew the Ranch as home. There are hundreds of other qualities about you that I love and could name, but none of that matters because the one thing that was needed for us to succeed wasn’t there any longer, and that is both humans being committed.. two feet in.
We love you, we always did, and we always will.
I was sent a video while on this trip and even though I wanted to stay disconnected, I listened to it. This is what it said:
“To walk away from someone you care about who cannot meet your needs is actually one of the bravest acts you can do. Especially if this person, they’re not bad. They’re a good person, and maybe in a lot of ways, things kind of worked. But for whatever reasons, their internal conflicts, their conflicts within, just in life in general, they can’t show up for you and for the relationship at that level that you know you deserve. And so this is when you have to “choose yourself” but really, what choosing yourself sometimes means is recommitting yourself to the life that you know deep down in your bones you must lead and if you are going to lead that life or build that life, you know it can’t be done with this person in it.” —this completely sums up, in words, what happened to us.
I’ve been asked, and have thought, if you came back as a changed man one, three, however many months or years from now, after working on yourself + going to therapy, could we try again? Something within me wants to say yes. Something within me also doesn’t know.
